F the Buckeyes

I would like to salute the Oregon Ducks for attending the 2010 Rose Bowl, congratulations for all the hard work and earning a nomination to the classic New Year's Day football game for the first time since 1986. Unfortunately, I was hoping you'd actually be participating in today's game rather then watching slack-jawed from the sidelines while the Ohio State Buckeyes ran up and down the field at will.

When you are born in the state of Michigan, as I am, your DNA is encoded with a particularly insidious mutant trait: an overwhelming compulsion to watch collegiate and professional football. Given the extraordinary propensity for Michigan-based football teams to disappoint - if not outright suck - it's understandable that one might succumb to a dark, twisted hatred towards the football successes of pretty much everyone else - in particular, we Michigan sports mutants reserve a special corner of hell for the Ohio State Buckeyes, an irrational hatred that's passed father-to-son down through the generations; for some this anti-Buckeye-ism burns so hot and deep that many residents must physically relocate to the extreme borders of the country, such as Florida and California - but not Alaska, TV-sports coverage there is atrocious.

I maintain my sanity through optimism, unrealistic though it may be. I have but one, modest wish, which I renew each calendar year: that the Michigan Wolverines might beat the Ohio State Buckeyes like a fat kid caught with his flipper in the glaze bucket at Cinnabon. Yet for the sixth straight year I've been denied this small life's pleasure... despite all the good I do for the world, in my quiet, dignified way.

When I learned that OSU's opponent in this year's Rose Bowl were to be the exceptional Oregon Ducks, a powerhouse in the Pac-10 this season I found reason for my renewed optimism. Their presence in the 2010 Rose Bowl was intriguing, the Ducks consistently slaughtered each team on their schedule. So I allowed myself to indulge in the outrageous possibility Oregon would show up with their explosive offense, ring the school bell and call a one-team track meet. C'mon, the traditionally lethargic Buckeye offense can't possibly keep up with those crazy kids from Eugene... can they? I have to believe or I might as well start drinking at breakfast.

But as the sun disappeared behind the Pasadena hills and the Wendy's-sponsored game clock expired I watched the Buckeye players, their coaches and fans flooding onto the playing field with arms raised high, celebrating a one-sided victory... meanwhile, just beyond the camera's field of view, the Ducks collectively crumpled to the ground and rolled about in a steaming pile of their own excrement. Blow me.

Alas, the second decade of the new millennium starts with disappointment for me and everyone else back home - only a native of the great state of Michigan can truly appreciate the breadth and the depth of pain caused by a Buckeyes win in January. But that's how it is to be a Michigan sports fan, a second straight year without the Wolverines in a bowl game while the Detroit Lions go for their third win of the year... on the last day of the NFL season. And I know that Michigan State is playing Texas Tech tomorrow, but that's small consolation, I assure you - I mean, have you been to Lubbock? Beating the Red Raiders is not even in the same universe as beating the Buckeyes. Oh, I'll take the win - if there is one - but I'm probably better off starting the day with a large mug of vodka and pancakes.